My Guiding Light, My Northern Star
by SilverReplay
Summary: My sun, my moon, my stars, the sky that graces the earth and the light that guides my life. Don't ever, ever leave me. Stay by my side, forever, because I can't bear a life deprived of you.


**Title: My Guiding Light, My Northern Star**

 **Rating: T**

 **Chapters: 1/?**

 **Category: M/M, F/M**

 **Warnings: Allusions to prostitution, emotional abuse, and sexual harassment; internalized homophobia**

 **Pairings: Rika/V, V/Zen (hinted)**

 **Summary:** _ **My sun, my moon, my stars, the sky that graces the earth and the light that guides my life. Don't ever, ever leave me. Stay by my side, forever, because I can't bear a life deprived of you.**_

 **Word Count: 3306**

 **VN - How it all began**

 **[START]**

 _Like the wind carrying the colors of the earth through the everblue sky,_

 _Something about you… it stirs something within me that I cannot deny._

"I'll get going now," Zen called out as he tugged his bag over his shoulder.

"You're leaving already?" The director asked, looking up from his clipboard.

Zen nodded. "Yeah, I have to work a night shift."

The director frowned, eyes skimming over Zen and noting the fatigue in the red eyes and the slumped posture. "You should take a break today," he commented. "You were up on stage for three hours."

Zen shook his head, waving off the concern as he turned around. "I have to pay the rent," he explained. "Got no choice. I'll get going." Turning the knob, he stepped out into the fresh night air.

"Oh my god~! Finally! So you really exit through here!" A light, airy voice rang out.

Zen stared down at the wavy haired blonde. Deadpanning, he said, "You cannot enter." _Leave_ , his eyes expressed.

"I'm sorry," the unknown blonde said. She pressed the bouquet of red roses forward. "Can we talk for a moment?"

Zen was taken aback, eyes wide. _Who is this girl?_

"You can call me Rika. You're Zen, right?" she smiled softly, her white teeth flashing under the bright lights behind the still open door behind him.

Zen was confused. "Yes… but what's with the flowers?" _Is she trying to use me as a delivery boy?_

"It's for you!" Rika nearly shoved the flowers into his chest, forcing him to accept them. Her eyes flashed even brighter as she stared up at the beautiful male in front of her.

"... For me?" Zen stared blankly down at the roses.

"Yes!"

"Why?" Zen still hadn't looked up. These roses… they reminded him of his eyes, bright crimson and scarlet shades mixing into an unforgettable red. He sniffed lightly. The smell… fresh, crisp, it reminded him of when he used to… he shook his head. _No. That's in the past._

Rika blinked at Zen's sudden action. She paused for a moment before elaborating, "You were so good out there today! I almost cried."

 _Oh._ Zen recalled the pair of wide green eyes he had caught at first. There had been a watery film touching the edges of her eyes. _They're like leaves in the spring, bright and lively,_ Zen recalled, distracted for a moment. He didn't seem to be hearing a word Rika said.

"I wanted to give you a standing ovation," Zen's head snapped up, "but you went behind the curtains too soon."

"I… I was good?" Zen stumbled over his words for a moment, very unlike him. A tinge of red spread across his alabaster skin.

"Yes! Zen in the role of Oliver—I read it in the pamphlet. You're still very young, but your performance was extraordinary!" She reached down with one hand to grasp Zen's, her fingertips caressing the long fingers and calluses on his palm. Dragging it up, she wrapped the hand around the bottom of the bouquet before pushing it into Zen's chest. The whole time, Zen was shocked into silence.

"Here! Take the flowers."

"Oh…" Zen blinked. He didn't know what to do. He… he had never been praised before for his talent. Normally, it was just for his looks. And even his casting in this show—the first thing the director had said was that his looks were eye-catching.

" _Even if you can't act, your presence alone will bring admirers. Before the show starts, hang around outside and pass out these pamphlets, will you?"_

He had recalled seeing a flash of gold and turquoise before the production, but they had been lost in the sea of faces rather quick.

"You made my day, Zen. Thank you so much. You were so great" Rika's smile became brighter, her eyes closed as if she was recalling her favorite scenes of the performance. "Can I get a photo of you?" Zen froze, staring at her green eyes.

"Umm… are you serious?" _Oh_ , Zen thought, disappointed. _So in the end, it was for my looks. My cursed, beautiful appearance..._

"Excuse me?" Rika was affronted. Hands on her hips, she glared up at Zen.

"I was good up on stage?" Zen asked, in hopes of clarifying this issue. _Or was I just good eye-candy_. Zen knew his skills. He was only a newcomer and not worth much beyond a pretty face and body.

"Yes!" Rika clasped her hands in front of her, bouncing on the balls of her feet. "You were great. When you got all teary while singing that last scene…" she trailed off, her eyes misty. Zen mentally freaked out. _Please don't cry on me. Please don't._ He couldn't handle a crying girl. The last time, she tried to play with his emotions and get him to sleep with her. He had admittedly freaked out and ran away, leaving her crying out on the streets as passersby watched his departing figure in shock and disgust because who leaves a girl sobbing her heart out on the street? It had made him even more wary of females; he had thrown himself into his work immediately after. No more girls, no more night outs. Just him, his cigarettes, his beer, and his scripts.

"... was that in the script? I thought you just got too emotional and acted on the spot!" Rika finished. Zen snapped back to reality.

"Oh… That wasn't on the script." He remembered that scene. He had gotten so caught up in the script that he couldn't stop the tears from rising up. The ribbing he got for it from the other actors… he grimaced.

"I knew it! You were born to be an actor." _Because of my looks_. "V is never wrong." _V? Who names their kid V?_

"You need to be in bigger theaters than this…! Oh, I can ask Jumin." _Please don't tell me she wants to get into a working relationship with this rich friend of hers… not another one._ His looks… were the bane of his existence sometimes. A chill went down his spine, the shivering minute and easy to miss. He wanted to succeed on his own talent, not for his looks or money.

"Sorry?" _Please leave_ , his red eyes conveyed to blind green eyes.

Rika forged onward. "Haha, we'll talk about this later." _Oh, so now she's going to stalk me until I agree?_ Luckily, his address wasn't on his social media accounts—he hoped. The last time, one of the other actors or actresses leaked it with photos of him midway through changing. The snap of the camera had made him freeze and immediately shove his shirt back on. He had stayed hidden in his apartment for days—at least the production then had ended with its last show before the leaked photos happened—before sneaking out of the window and calling the police. The amount of stalkers outside of his cheap apartment, all because of his looks, was frightening. _Is this why… no. I'm not going back, so their words don't matter anymore._

"Can I get a photo? Oh, my fiance had to leave for a sec to take care of parking, but he'll be right back."

Zen remained silent, looking down at this new(?) fan of his. He neither agreed nor disagreed.

"Let's take a photo when he comes! Is this okay?" _Now how to reject her nicely without this backfiring on me?_ Zen mused.

"Oh… I'm a bit shy."

"Come on!" Rika tugged at Zen's arm, looping her arm through it. She pulled him to the curb, where she spotted a silver convertible—a C6 Chevrolet Corvette, Zen realized. He tried to pull his arm free, but the girl had a surprisingly strong grip. "To be honest, this isn't my first time seeing you on stage." Zen stopped moving, digging his heels into the ground as much as he could. _Not again…_

"I've been secretly following you for the past two years and seeing all your shows." _Fuck._ Zen swore mentally. _Worst case scenario, I need to get a new stage name and run away to another city… if I can find another one without my family's influence lingering in it._

"Really?" Zen said, in hopes of distracting her. If he could keep her mind off her goal, he might be able to escape. "Two years ago is when I barely started…"

"Yes. I hope you grow fast. With your looks," Zen barely restrained his sigh, "and acting, you'll become a major musical star in a second!"

"No way…" Zen instantly refuted. He pulled his arms free and tossed her the bouquet back. "I doubt I'll become that big." He began walking away in the opposite direction.

Rika ran right in front of him, blocking his path.

"Why not? Hmm~ You're more pessimistic than I thought. But that gloominess does give a person more depth. Perhaps that is why you are so convincing." It took all the politeness Zen had in his body to not simply leave. Years of conditioning to respect females as they were delicate glass figurines had him stuck in this awkward situation.

"I think you'll become a great actor. Two years ago, you were in a really small theater company. The fact that you're in a fairly large production now proves that you're growing."

 _Or it just proves that my looks are maturing and thus more appealing to a larger audience_ , Zen retorted in his mind. He remembered the flushed gazes and trailing eyes. It caused him to shiver and tug the sleeves of his sweater down a bit more.

"Thank you for all that." Zen tried to walk around her, but Rika merely stepped right in front of him again.

"Then let's take a photo, okay?" The determination in the blonde's eyes made Zen resign himself to her whims. _It's just another photo, Zen_ , he thought to himself. _Just another photo. After this, it's another night of waiting on tables and fending off wandering hands._

"... Alright."

"Great! Let's just wait a bit more until my fiance comes. I'm so glad I gathered up the courage to wait!" Zen glanced up at the darkening sky. He was going to be late at this rate.

The bouquet of roses was shoved in his face, and catching the glare in those _annoying_ green eyes, he accepted them, taking in another whiff of the light, musky smell of nature. He immerses himself in the fragrance, allowing the scent to wash over him and calm down his frazzled nerves.

 _Click-clack._

The sound awoke him from his reverie. Dark red eyes looked up and fell into pools of silver blue. He held the calm gaze, barely paying attention to Rika's shout of joy at the reappearance of her fiance. It was when he was abruptly tugged to the side and maneuvered into wrapping a hand around the blonde's waist did he wake up from his daze. His gaze left V, but not before V himself caught something in those eyes that made him frown minutely.

 _What am I doing?_ Zen scolded himself. _I don't have time for relationships, especially something that can possibly ruin my career._ He shook his head to clear his mind and flashed on a fake smile.

His arms felt heavy, like lead, as Rika tucked the bouquet into the crook of his left elbow. He flinched. Rika was touching his hair, arranging it so the long strands fell over his shoulder and mingled with the red petals of the bouquet. He hated it when people touched his hair. He allowed her to lean into his chest slightly, even though the scent of mint made him want to flee far, far away. _Mint_. Nothing good had ever come following the aroma of mint. His dreams had affirmed that well enough.

V had an amused smile tugging at his lips as he raised the camera up. Rika tilted her head slightly as her hand rested over Zen's, keeping his arm wrapped around her waist. She didn't take notice, apparently, of Zen's light touch and avoidance of contact. It was only her hand on his that kept his arm wrapped around her. She raised her left hand in a 'peace' gesture, smiling as bright as the sun at her fiance.

V stared through the lens of the camera, but he didn't take a picture. Those red eyes… he couldn't take a picture, not with that gaze looking so… resigned, empty. The smile was fake, and the taut muscles and rigid pose made something in him cringe. He lowered his camera, making Rika frown.

"Why haven't you taken the picture yet?" She asked, confused. She didn't move from her pose though, as if she knew that Zen would flee any moment. V had a quirk to his lips as he walked forward, stopping right in front of them.

"Just let me fix a few things, Rika." She bobbed her head at his explanation, a little bounce to her movements, as she waited patiently for V to finish.

V held Zen's gaze, his eyes boring into startled red.

"I don't believe that I have introduced myself, _mon belle astre_." Instead of shaking his hand as in Western greetings or bowing as done in the East, V extended his nimble fingers through Zen's silver hair. His fingers slipped through the strands, twirling the silver-white hair slightly. "I must say," V paused, looking down and lifting a few strands up to eye-level. "I have never seen hair spun from moonlight before."

V's smile was, for the lack of a better word, _beautiful_. Zen's mouth fell open, eyes wide, as a tinge of red graced his alabaster skin.

"Wha—what?"

V's smile grew _even more beautiful_ if that was possible. The blush on Zen's face increased, the tips of his ears red.

" _Mon belle astre_ , won't you smile for me?" It was the sincerity in those sky blue eyes that made Zen nod automatically. Soft pink lips turned upwards in a small smile, eyes still caught in a gaze of sincerity. _I have never been complimented like this before_. The thought flitted through Zen's mind even as V slowly backed up and raised the camera. Before Zen's mind returned to the present, V already took a photo.

 _Snap!_

Rika immediately bounced out of Zen's reluctant embrace and snatched the camera from V's hand. She squealed. "Aww~~~ V! This is perfect. We must give Zen a copy of this—and no sharing it! It's too precious to feature in a gallery." That wide eyed gaze, faint blush, and small smile tugged at her heart. It made something dead in her heart perk its head up and coo at how adorable the actor was.

Zen was stuck, still caught in a gaze of sky blue. V's smile never left his face as he walked up to Zen. Watching as the turquoise haired male approach him, Zen panicked internally.

"I apologize if I made you uncomfortable," V said, noting that Zen had yet to move.

Zen shook his head and looked down at the bright red petals surrounded by a light pink plastic wrap and satin pink ribbon. "It's fine," he said softly.

 _Snap!_

Zen's head shot up to stare wildly at Rika. V, too, had turned his head to look at his errant fiance.

"You two look so good together!" Rika smiled up innocently, raising the camera up again. "Smile!"

Zen's gaze instantly met with V's smiling eyes. V's fingers reached out to twirl Zen's hair again.

A bouquet of red roses in his arms, a wide eyed gaze and flushed cheeks, Zen looked like the pinnacle of innocent love.

V's soft blue gaze as he twirled strands of silver between his fingers brought out a small, genuine smile from the actor, a similar smile on V's lips.

 _Snap!_

"So pretty~~~" Rika bounded up and tucked herself into V's side, dislodging V's fingers from Zen's hair.

Zen stepped back at the sudden action.

"V! V! V! How soon can you get these printed and framed?" Rika asked, green eyes full of life.

"Tomorrow, most likely with the rest of the photos on the camera." V answered, his fingers automatically running through the golden hair.

Rika turned towards Zen. "Where do you live?"

"Huh?" Zen said, panic in his eyes. _Why do they want to know where he lived?_

"So V can give you the photos! I'm too busy tomorrow with RFA, so V will be delivering the photos, right?"

"Of course, my love." V was looking down at her like she hung the moon and stars.

Zen took a step back, recoiling. He lost himself. Again. _No, I'm not taking that path again… once was enough._

"Umm… I can meet you somewhere," Zen said. "My residence… it's temporary."

V nodded in understanding. He pulled out his phone. "Your number? That way, we can arrange the exchange easier."

"+8)10-8211-%#XZ," Zen rattled off, and V easily recorded the number.

 _Bzz._

Zen drew out his phone at the vibration. He blinked at the photo of V that graced his screen followed, and then he flushed.

 **✉ V — 19:38**

 ** _Mon stelle astre_ , is it always so easy to paint your pure skin with colors of the sunset?**

 _Why is he complimenting me so much?_ Zen was freaked out. This was ridiculous. _Isn't this blonde his fiance? Why is he flirting with me…_

He glanced at the timestamp and did a double-take. "I'm sorry, but I'm going to be late for my job."

He spun around on his heel and left.

"Wait! Zen!" Rika called after him.

Zen paused, hesitating for a second.

"Do you, do you want to join RFA? It's a charity fundraising organization V and I run; it would be lovely if you join us. With your talent, you'll bring a lot to our cause."

Zen shook his head. He had no time for this. _Charity work?_ When he was barely putting food on the table and spending hours upon hours rehearsing, working out, perfecting his lines, practicing, doing everything he could to make it big on stage? No, he didn't have the time for it. And… he stared back at Rika for a second before his gaze drifted over to V. _I'm not letting this grow any bigger. I can't afford to._

"I'm sorry, miss, but I can't."

He fled, but not before V saw a trace of self-hate in those ruby eyes.

 _What in the world…_ V thought as his eyes followed Zen's departing back.

"V…" Rika's disappointed voice trailed off.

"I'll convince him when I deliver the photos."

Rika hugged V in thanks. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

Meanwhile, once Zen turned the corner, he sagged against the wall, eyes closing with tears of frustration. _Why does this keep happening to me?_ He didn't care about love— **he didn't deserve love**. All he wanted to do was act on stage and sing his heart out. All he wanted was to prove to himself that he was talented beyond his looks. _The only one who has ever loved me, is me_. Zen remarked mentally. Even his brother…

Zen sighed and picked himself back up, walking slowly back to his apartment to change into black slacks, white collar, and a skinny black tie. He despised such a stiff uniform, but the job paid well. _I guess my looks are good for something. It makes people take notice of me_.

Though… Zen's face turned red again. He recalled intense blue eyes and a voice that pulled at his heartstrings. His eyes shuttered close again as he took a deep breath. When he opened them again, his eyes were an empty red, and his lips quirked up with a trace of a (fake) smile.

 _The world is my stage._

 **VN - How it all began**

 **[END]**

* * *

Author's Note:

Yea… I don't even know anymore. I had a TOMODA moment ala _Gekkan Shoujo Nozaki-kun_ with Zen… and this happened. I don't even understand my muse anymore—I have a half-written Kakashi!Sakumo!Centric Naruto fic and several other incomplete stories, and my muse decides to toss me headfirst into MysMe fandom.

 ** _CROSS-POSTED ON TUMBLR (mtkiseki)_**


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